“In space, no one can hear you cum”
After the completion of the Grand Unified Theory, physicists at the HUSC got bored one day and started shooting high energy pozitanos at anything they could think of. Living on a space station orbiting Uranus will make anyone sexually frustrated, so it’s not surprising human ejaculate was soon nominated as a target for 10^30 eV of energy. After preparing a sample, Dr. David Yang, blasted it with what was then thought of as a lame level of joules by Drs. Greg Robertson, Thomas Rodriguez, et al. In a critique of Yang’s methodology, they argued that at least plank energy levels should be used to create a cooler explosion. Knowing full well that he’d be in charge of clean-up, Yang didn't want to create anything that sticky.
Instead of a bukkake like blast, the super charged sperm took the form of a glowing, multicolored gel. In the interests of scientific progress, Robertson suggested that Dr Samantha LaRue, as the lone woman aboard, should eat it. Tired of the constant stream of middle school-level sexual harassment that she’d endured from him this last year, LaRue noted that he was the biggest cock sucker of them all and thus had seniority on the matter. The group quickly reached consensus by chanting “eat it, eat it” over and over again. Though disgusted by the thought, Robertson didn’t want to issue a retraction of his theory that the goo was harmless. He popped it into his mouth and swallowed it as quickly as possible.
What happened next changed humanity forever. Robertson retched one or two times, because frankly, he’s kind of a child (not that, but what happened after that). When he looked back up at his fellow scientists, he could see their thoughts. Shimmering, wispy strings reaching out from their heads, each of them with their own geometries and patterns. Without exception, the shining tendrils communicated, “this guy is a real toolbox.” Robertson weeped, cause he was also high as fuck and crumpled to the floor, a gibbering, giggling mess.
Over the next days and weeks, the scientists discovered and explored a variety of unnatural abilities. While high on substance C (as they had taken to calling it), you could experience precognition, telepathy, psychokinesis, the ability to breakdance, super-human intelligence, bio-morphogenesis, machine empathy and many more phenomena. Within a week, they had created a device the size of a laptop that could process cum into substance C. By the end of the month, they had it down to the size of a hand held unit. Within another week’s time, they were able to get it back to the size of a laptop, because their super-human marketing abilities told them that it would have more engagement from the public. Then, they broadcast their discovery to Earth in a joint paper, hoping to herald a vibrant new age for humanity. But they hadn’t really seen the future, they were just high out of their gourd. Their discovery wouldn’t lead to the dawn of a new era, but to one of the darkest times in human history: the Cumpocalypse.