Welcome to Wetfish
The best apple on the orchard that anyone can eat.
1976 pages written in Applesoft BASIC

Proof Apple is Satan
The Apple I went on sale in July 1976 and was market-priced at $666.66 ($2,723 in 2012 dollars, adjusted for inflation.)



Apple is a vampire that will suck the life out of anything it can
iPhone users who have repaired their phones outside of an Apple store are being punished

And now for some fanfic?
1000 feet below Cupertino, California, Tim Cook walks down a long, bare aluminium corridor. The whirr of iMac fans are audible as they thermal throttle in the background. There are no windows in sight. In one of the rooms to the left, Apple executives throw darts at a dartboard, indicating which ports they omit from their next product. A screen to the right shows a list of the highest valued companies, with "Apple inc." at the top in bold "champagne gold" lettering. A heavy door at the end blocks his path. The words "iSafe pro" adorn the front, indicating that the safe is slightly larger than regular iSafes, and is compatible with some expensive peripherals.

There is no facial recognition to unlock the iSafe, so Tim summons his trusty companion.

"Siri, open the door to the safe"

'Here's what I found on the web for "serious on the daughter the safe"'

Tim Touch IDs in instead.

The safe is unusually thin, much thinner than most conventional safes, but so much so that it sacrifices some functionality. Tim shuffles in, closing the door behind him.

"Hi there, welcome to the iSafe! What can we do for you today?" chimes a friendly voice, as an over enthusiastic hipster with a blue Apple t-shirt appears out of nowhere. Tim nods and squeezes past whilst maintaining minimal eye contact.

It is here that Apple hides its deepest darkest secrets. Tim glides past modern birch tables laden with developmental iPhone prototypes that were a bit too thick, others with non-proprietary charging ports. An ergonomic Magic Mouse lies neglected on top of a pile of celebrity nudes.

And there it is. In between Steve jobs' favourite turtleneck and a durable cable.

A single iPhone which, within its 16GB of unexpandable memory, contained an OS built to bypass any passcode. A single iPhone powerful enough to destroy life as we know it.

Tim caresses it's extremely slippery surface, taking all 749 dollars of it in; it's rose gold™ paint, it's gorgeous 1080p IPS Retina display and revolutionary force-I mean 3D-Touch technology...

A sudden bang behind him startles Tim out of his trance.

He glances at his Apple Watch, and a feeling of dread settles in. He was sharing his heartbeat with one of the security members just seconds before, but now there was nothing.

He turns around to see three hooded men. The iSafe employee is dead on the floor.

"How?" Tim exclaimed. "Security should have sent me a convenient text alert straight to my Apple Watch! And how did you get into the safe?"

"It was simple" one of the hooded men replied. "We sent security an effective.power text as we entered, and he was shut out of his messages app. By the time he got onto a Mac to reset it, we were past."

"As for the safe, it was easy to crack" says the second man. "Turns out it isn't great at doing its job. It looks fantastic aesthetically though."

"give us the OS, Tim," the final man says. "No one has to get hurt"

"Over my dead body" replies Tim "Millions of Instagram accounts are at stake"

The first man lunges for the phone, but tentatively: one false move and the phone could fall and be smashed to smithereens.

The 20% battery warning springs up; Tim forgot to turn off airdrop last time he accessed the phone. This means it's less than five minutes before the battery goes dead, but Tim doesn't have that kind of time.

'They can never lay hand on this iPhone,' Tim thinks to himself. 'It must be destroyed'

"Wait!" Shouts Tim. "I need to do up my shoelaces!"

The robbers halt, and with a laugh, pause. "Go on then"

Tim slowly lowers himself down and does up the laces to his Nike air max athletic performance shoes, much to the amusement of the robbers. But when he comes back up, he has a wicked grin on his face

"What's so funny?" One of the robbers asks

And with that, Tim slides the iPhone out of his back pocket. It is bent at a right angle, but to Tim's dismay, and disbelief, it is still functional.

"MOTHER FUCKER! KILL HIM!"

A gun is pulled out from behind one of the robbers. Two shot are fired.

Tim collapses back in a pool of blood. One of the robbers approaches him. He touch-IDs into the phone and goes into settings in mere seconds thanks to its incredibly simple, easy to use OS and the iPhone's 3D Touch capabilities. It's the last hope for humanity.

"NO! STOP HIM"

And with his dying breath, Tim sets the date and time back to 1970.

The world is saved.